So Much for Follow-Through

I committed to making this a daily thing two days ago. I suppose working about 12 hours yesterday kept me from keeping this commitment. Still, it is disappointing not to follow through on something that I was hoping to do, and only realizing my mistake about 5 minutes before I fell asleep. It is some consolation to know that despite knowing the err of my ways so close to sleeping, I fell a sleep anyways. Usually, it would have bothered me so much that I would have gotten out of bed and done it.

I thought I'd love eating out as much as I have lately, on the account of my limboed ways. ( I know "limboed" isn't a word, but I feel it is appropriate adjective at this time). It is hard living out of a suitcase and a van packed with miscellaneous belongings. I'd love to have a place to land more permanently, but like everything else, things take time.

How Do You Write About Change?

It takes a while for me to get around to writing online again. I'm not sure how many times I have started and then close out the window thinking that I don't have anything meaningful to add, but I'm sure it was at least a dozen. I have found that if you never write, you never have anything to talk about.

It is true that I have changed jobs and that I do not have a permanent place to lay my head. I'm not homeless, although it is not very easy to feel at home living in a resort motel that is only two rooms and a bathroom. While it is a nice place that is clean with a great view, it doesn't have those trappings of home that make it comfortable enough. Then again, it was never designed for that purpose, so why should I feel surprised that I'm not at home here?

So what does it take to write about change? It seems that I only feel compelled to write something when there has been a big change, maybe borne out of some need to memorialize it. Maybe the reason that I do not write about smaller changes that happen, part because there are things that aren't practical to write about and part because small changes tend to be mundane. So, to answer my own question, the way to speak about change is in detail, but with interest. With sufficient detail and earnestness, even small changes become interesting.

A friend once made it a point to write on his blog every day for a month. I tried to do the same thing, and I do not remember if I succeeded. I am going to try the same and see where it takes me. It is really difficult for me to write as little as have to this point, maybe this kind of disciplined writing may make it easier. I don't know why I am hoping to make this writing thing any easier, but maybe I will become better, which is laudable in and of itself.

Ten Thousand Hours

It is said that it take ten thousand hours to get good at something. I think this must be true because it took at least this long for me to get good enough in school to pursue further studies. It also means that in order to get really good at something, you have to spend more than an hour a day doing it, because it would then take over 25 years to get good at something. Most of us do not have that kind of time.

I think a lot about how I spend my time during the day. If I am like most people, work has a way of taking the wind out of our sails. After a day of work, there is something therapeutic about clicking the remote control. It may be that it is the one thing that we do have control over in any given day. For me, television is a way to think about something else for a while. Unfortunately, the many ads there are for anti-depressants and other sad conditions makes it difficult to stake out some peace of mind.

It has been a long time since I have felt carefree. There was one time three years ago, walking in the woods that I felt at peace. Otherwise, it is as if there is an anvil suspended above my head secured by a precariously frayed rope. I ask, "Is it going to fall today?" While this does create un-welcomed anxiety, I suppose that it is positive stress that keeps me going from day to day and week to week. Still, I long for a simpler time.

We are to live but once in these temporal bodies of ours, and so we are required to grow. That is why we do not, and cannot turn back the clock. Even if I could reach my ideal past, I would be out of place because time has worked on me. That is to say, I have lived through time, and the current me could not exist in a past self. We live in time, so we have to work with what we have, which can only be the future.

It is more difficult than ever before to be optimistic about the future. From every media outlet imaginable, we have been told that everything is going to get worse. Almost everyone I know clings to their jobs, for the fear of financial ruin in their life if they tried to do something else with their lives. The burden of student loans conjures up thoughts of the company store of the past. We all have student loans to service, and we are tied to a job until this debt is paid. Of course, unlike the company store situation we free to leave the position that we are in for another, possibly more lucrative one, but this is unlikely given the extended negative economic situation.

Will we learn anything from our current economic situation? As for myself, I have learned to be more scared about the loss of income. I think fear is the one thing that we are going to take from this situation. It is true that we can overcome fear, but there are few places to turn for encouragement without whitewashing the situation. That is to say, beyond those who wholesale deny that we have a problem in this country, there is no message of balance in acknowledging our problems but offering solutions to solve them.

Make no mistake that our problems in the United States are beyond economic - they are social, political, and moral. For example, as some have said, it should be at least as hard to get married as it is divorced. I do not know how you could make it this difficult, but I think if people had a good conception of what it was like to be married, there would be fewer divorces. This does not mean that people would live together before they were married, but it would involve some exercise in having a better knowledge about who you are marrying, and working out true compromise and sharing.

I do not have all of the answers, and I have the ever-present fear of restating what has been said time and time again. But if everyone feels this way, nothing is said. To err on the side of caution in this case means saying something, even if is repetitive.

Owning is a house is a lot of work. I have always known this, but it is particularly difficult doing it all by myself. While I have bargained for this house, and all of the maintenance, cleaning, fixing, and yard work associated with it, it is like having a part time job. I would hire some of the work out, but as some of you know, I have difficulty hiring much help around here.

I have purchased a new computer, and a new bed too. Both seem to be frivolous to me, but the truth is that I need both of these things. The computer because my old one has a "t" key about ready to go out on it, is running Windows XP (which is not that big of an impediment as it turns out), has no web camera, and would need a number of other various upgrades. It is nice that I was able to finance it over 9 months.

The bed is an experiment in better health. I enjoy reading in bed, but I have difficulty doing in a bed without a headboard. Further, it seems that I have outgrown a twin bed, as there is almost no way I can turn such that my arms aren't dangling over the side. I also thought that a new mattress might give me a better night's sleep which might give me more energy to make it through the day. We will see.

The sky here has been overcast since Friday, which is why the roofing folks could not come out. More precisely, they could not come out because it takes 24 hours for the roofing material to set, and it was due to rain the next day. Whatever the case, I need to get this place fixed.

I'm now working on a law review article that is in the research phase. I am looking forward to getting to the outlining and writing phase by the end of the month. After being out of school for four years, I am finally feeling confident enough to start the writing process, which is as challenging, and more exciting than I remember it.

I am looking forward to traveling to Chicago to present at a conference about jurisdictional issues in Indian Country. Since flying is such a hassle and unduly expensive, I will be traveling by auto, which should give me some time to get out on the open road.

I need to straighten my house out a bit, so I'm going to try to do that. Try.

Rogaine Warrior

I continue in my genealogical research, and I have even managed to connect with someone else regarding a common ancestor. It took some searching, but appears that this informant and I are first cousins, twice removed, which I have never heard of before. In any case, it is a refreshing feeling to gather information about relevant history as opposed to digging up dirt on a soon-to-be ex-spouse for a client. Still, I am quite effective at both investigative purposes.

Except for very recent relatives, it is interesting to note that almost none of my relatives died in the same vicinity in which they were born. I suppose that this is a testament to the westward movement that dominated the nineteenth century, but going from Ohio to Missouri during those times was much more difficult than it is today. To ride in any other way but rail must have been dangerous and rugged. Rail fare could not have been cheap, at least not for the massive working class. I expect that the approximate reasons for this much movement will reveal itself to me as my research continues, but even if it does not, general history of the time and place can give me circumstantial evidence for my relatives westward move.

My hair is longer now than it has been since at least high school. When I worked at the pharmacy, I recall my hair being enough to cover my eyes at some point. While my hair is not that long right now, it is longer than it usually happens to be. I think that the beginning of thinning of hair has me reconsidering being so eager to get a buzz.

Anyhow, I have a week full of work ahead of me. I need to get some sleep so that I can actually have some measure of focus. Until we speak again, I remain very truly yours.

Could you imagine being buried without a grave stone? Some may find it of little consequence, especially if they planned on being cremated and spread to the winds, or if they assign no consequence to our bodily states after we pass. For the last few months, I have been doing genealogical research, and it has brought me to several cemeteries around the Twin Cities.

I know that we had at least one of my kin buried at Calvary Cemetery in Saint Paul, so I stopped by the office to do a search. Indeed, my great-great grandfather is buried out there. Concerned with finding the grave, I asked the office if I would be looking for an upright gravestone or a flat stone for his grave. The lady told me that I would be looking for no marker at all since no monument was ever placed. This man died in 1930, but since that time there has been no memorial placed on his grave.

It makes me wonder why his children did not purchase a stone for him. One possible reason is that he survived his eldest son, who would have been responsible for making these kind of arrangements at that time. The other rumor is that he died destitute, which would not have been uncommon in 1930.

Whatever the case, it is rather sad. I am not sure if it is more sad that there was not enough money for a simple stone or if no one cared to do it, but either way it is all a kind of sad. It's a sad way to end for tonight.

Lasers in the Jungle.

It used to be much easier to write about what has been troubling me. I attribute my difficulty in expression to aging, as it is much more common for upset to come bursting out of youth than it is for more mature persons. Not to say that I am mature, just more so than I have been before. I am also more measured about what I say as one has to be more careful than ever about being hung by your own words.

I have been doing a significant amount of genealogical research lately, and it has left me possessing equal parts of depression and interest. Interest because to figure out what people did and where they lived that are related to you is very interesting. It is even more interesting when you become the person that knows the most about your family despite not having the benefit of age relative to the rest of my family.

It is also depressing because many people in my family seemed to die young and worked (or lived) hard lives. They lived in parts of Saint Paul that were as rough then as they are now, but in conditions that were far worse. Depressing also because the only record of many of the people in the tree is their birth, and it is unknown what happened to them thereafter. Anyone who is old enough to fill in the details have left this life many years ago.

Ultimately, it does not matter who were my relatives. I don't have any particular need to know what country anyone came from, because that especially matters the least to me. I find that I am most interested their American experience, as that is where the most interesting part of the story begins. Additionally, I never found much value in splicing what kind of American I am by hyphenating my ancestor's country of origin with "American." What does it mean to be "German-American" really? If Germany was so great for my relatives, why would they have left? Likely it was difficult in the country of origin and so there is no sense in acknowledging and valuing a place from which my people left. Perhaps more importantly, we have forged a new culture in America that really owes its existence to the amalgamation of cultures, and not the singling out of any one. Lastly, indicating the country of origin of ancestors only serves to divide, when we so much need to unite as a nation.

Perhaps more depressing still is the desire to want to turn back the clock 10 years. I have had this wish for many years, and it has not subsided very much. I have been told that this is not a healthy attitude to possess, which is probably true. I have been told that there is a lot to look forward in life and things will be wonderful in the future. All I see are more challenges, difficulties, and responsibilities without the attendant rewards. All I see is hardness.

Then again, three installments of Back of the Future has instructed us about the dangers of time travel. Although, things worked out much better for Marty all in all, as his family dysfunction seemed to dissolve due to his facilitation of certain material facts of his parents past. Even if we could time travel, how much it would cheapen life as those clutch decisions that we make, the ones that we make in stressful and labored environment would be meaningless since we would know that we could always go back and change what we did. As Sheen said, a game is no fun unless there is a chance of losing. A lime without tartness is just a bad orange.

Let's see if I have a dream about a bad orange. If I do, that will teach me to never again come up with such an awful expression again.

I'll start with something new...tomorrow.